Dowry

 

dowry

does he like the girl-her father asked PG (pros groom) ‘s father

என்னடா ?

பிடிச்சிருக்கு ஆனால் கொஞ்சம் தனியா பேசினால்தான் …i can take a decision

both alone in the nearest bedroom-anxious faces waiting ouside.(most worried G’s ma)

boy said -let me be frank -you like me or not-i like you

girl shyly nodded

i would like to hear from you please

…like you

please speak up

i like you

suppose my parents ask for a high dowry

its upto my parents (girl said)

you dont mind giving dowry

—repeat–

boy-do you have an opinion in the matter

she-well .. today’s society -everyone expects to give/get dowry

he-illegal

she-everybody gives in some form-if you dont take -they will say “something wrong with boy”

he-am i a markettable commodity?

she-giggling “thats what everybody says”

he gets up goes out-whispers to dad who says “ok we’ll consult and let you know tomorrow”-smiling

while returning boy says “i dont like”

ma asks why

boy says “she doesnt mind her dad giving dowry”

dad-so what’s wrong

he-you know my mind dad no dowry at all

dad- well i also haven’t asked but if the other side gives i cant say no

he-why

ma-otherwise they’ll think something wrong with you

he-anyway i dont like this girl -no definite opinion in this matter

ma-போடா எந்த பொண்ணுதான் இந்த விஷயத்தில் பேசுவாள்

he-i will wait till i find a suitable girl

dad-ஏண்டி இவன் சரிப்பட்டு வரமாட்டான்

சும்மா இருங்கோ வேற பெண் பார்க்கலாம்

நாளைக்கு போன் போட்டு பையன் இப்போ வேண்டாம்கிறான் ன்னு சொல்லுங்கோ

dad -murmuring

ma -என்ன

dad -ஒன்னும் இல்லை என தலையெழுத்து

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boy meets girl -who is against marriage but has a sister whose dowry parents have to meet

discuss-

1.fix a max limit on marriage expenses

2share 5050

3.girl will work and salarry to go to redce dads debt/living expenses

4.live separetely but visit 2/3 a week -dinner both sides visit

5.marriage engagment -simple now-only both families and intimate relations friends

6.marriage afetr 1 year both boy and girl save salary towards marriage

7.actualmarriage expenese

yes no

mantap x [koil]-max 2 days

catering x (limit invitees – simple menu)

reception x -piped music only

invitation x only limited-conventional-others digital

dress

bride- x limit to rsonable expenses – essential saris (koorai)

others can be ashionable and util-reasonable

grrom x essential-reasonable-util (no suit)

others x veshti shirt for close relations -sinple sari

 

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They (these ancient Indian people) make their marriages accordance with this principle, for in selecting a bride they care nothing whether she has a dowry and a handsome fortune, but look only to her beauty and other advantages of the outward person.

Arrian, The Invasion of India by Alexander the Great, 3rd Century BC[41]

Arrian’s second book similarly notes,

They (Indians) marry without either giving or taking dowries, but the women as soon as they are marriageable are brought forward by their fathers in public, to be selected by the victor in wrestling or boxing or running or someone who excels in any other manly exercise.

~ Arrian, Indika in Megasthenes and Arrian, 3rd Century BC[42]

dowry in ancient India was insignificant, and daughters had inheritance rights, which by custom were exercised at the time of her marriage. Documentary evidence suggests that at the beginning of 20th century bride price, rather than dowry was the common custom, which often resulted in poor boys remaining unmarried.[34][35]

The payment of dowry has long been prohibited under specific Indian laws including, the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961 and subsequently by Sections 304B and 498A of the Indian Penal Code.

A court judgement [8]clarifies the legal definition of dowry as

“Dowry” in the sense of the expression contemplated by Dowry Prohibition Act is a demand for property of valuable security having an inextricable nexus with the marriage, i.e., it is a consideration from the side of the bride’s parents or relatives to the groom or his parents and/or guardian for the agreement to wed the bride-to-be.

The Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961 article 3 specifies that the penalty for giving or taking dowry does not apply to presents which are given at the time of a marriage to the bride or bridegroom, when no demand for them have been made.

Although Indian laws against dowries have been in effect for decades, they have been largely criticised as being ineffective.[9] The practice of dowry deaths and murders continues to take place unchecked in many parts of India and this has further added to the concerns of enforcement.[10]

Section 498A of the Indian Penal Code required the bridegroom and his family to be automatically arrested if a wife complains of dowry harassment. The law was widely abused and in 2014, the Supreme Court ruled that arrests can only be made with a magistrate’s approval. [11]

Although Indian laws against dowries have been in effect for decades, they have been largely criticised as being ineffective.[9] Despite the Indian government’s efforts, the practice of dowry deaths and murders continues to take place unchecked in many parts of India and this has further added to the concerns of enforcement.[10] There is criticism by women’s groups that India’s dowry harassment laws are ineffective because the statutes are too vague, the police and the courts do not enforce the laws and social mores keep women subservient and docile, giving them a subordinate status in the society.[70]

Further, many women are afraid to implicate their husbands in a dowry crime simply because the Indian society is viewed as having conditioned women to anticipate or expect abuse and in some sense eventually, endure it.[71] While the laws give great powers, they are not effectively enforced by the police or by courts. It can take up to 10 years for a case to go to court and even once in court, husbands and in-laws end up getting away with extortion or even murder because the women and their families cannot prove ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ that they are the victims of such crimes, as there are rarely any outside witnesses.[72] Moreover, when deaths occur through bride burning, evidence itself is usually lost in flames.[73]

There is growing criticism that the dowry laws are often being misused, particularly section 498A IPC which is observed by many in India as being prone to misuse because of mechanical arrests by the police.[74] According to the National Crime Records Bureau statistics, in 2012, nearly 200,000 people including 47,951 women, were arrested in regard to dowry offences. However, only 15% of the accused were convicted.[75]

In many cases of 498a, huge amounts of dowry are claimed without any valid reasoning. A rickshaw puller’s wife can allege that she gave crore’s of money as dowry and since it is a cognizable case, police are bound to register the case. And in most cases, the capacity of the wife or her parents and the source of the funds are never tracked.

The Nisha Sharma dowry case was an anti-dowry lawsuit in India. It began in 2003 when Nisha Sharma accused her prospective groom, Munish Dalal, of demanding dowry.[76] The case got much coverage from Indian and international media. Nisha Sharma was portrayed as a youth icon and a role model for other women.[77] The case ended in 2012, after the court acquitted all accused.[76] The Chief Justice Magistrate observed that Nisha was in a relationship with another person Navneet, who she really wanted to marry.[78]

Cruelty in the form of torture or harassment of a woman with the objective of forcing her to meet a demand for property or valuable security is a form of dowry crime. Such cruelty could just be in the form of verbal attacks or may be accompanied by beating or harassment in order to force the woman or her family to yield to dowry demands.[43] In many instances, such cruelty may even force the woman to commit suicide and it has been specifically criminalized by the anti-dowry laws in India.

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The practice of dowry is illegal under Indian law, but its evolving nature has escaped the eyes of lawmakers. This fantastic article takes a look at equality, the changing forms of dowry, and how it affects both men and women.

A few weeks ago,[9/14] I was speaking with a male friend about his upcoming wedding. I had been reading a book by Ira Trivedi that (is rather poorly written but) put the cost of an average Indian middle class wedding at 7.4 lakhs, (four times the per capita GDP of India); the average upper middle class wedding, not including the clothing and jewelry, at 60 – 70 lakhs in Delhi, and 30 – 35 lakhs in other major cities of India.

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————————————————–

These figures had blown my mind, and I became curious about my friend’s wedding costs. “No idea,” he said, “my fiancée’s father is taking care of it.” “You’ll split it later on?” I asked, hanging on to hope. “No. Her father insists he’d like to pay, and I don’t see a problem with that,” he said defiantly, noting my sad eyes.

Of course, none of us would see a problem with things if they unfairly and unequivocally favored us over others. Yet, this is how most injustices propagate, slowly become entrenched, and enjoy unquestioned sanction.

Under the law, dowry has been defined as a transfer of valuable security or property; it doesn’t, in the letter, note the evolving forms of dowry, from land and cash to streedhan to fully paid weddings. Making one party obliged to contribute money in any form – gifts or wedding expenses – is dowry, whether or not you call it by that name. Demanding that the bride’s parents conduct the wedding is a widespread and audacious form of dowry-practice, opting out of cost-sharing is a subtler form. Why are we still in denial of practising dowry?

The Tradition Argument

Extending some academicians’ (including women) superfluous claims that dowry began as harmless tradition, people continue to argue that the bride’s family paying and arranging for the wedding was rooted in practical considerations (such as celebrating the marriage in her native village) and has just carried on for the love of tradition. When something creates an unequal advantage and mandates its propagation, it hardly matters what started it: it is still exploitative. Defending unfair cultural practices by citing pure intentions and seemingly innocuous origins does more sociological harm than good.

Of Their Own Free Will

Apparently, we are witnessing a curious cultural phenomenon whereby parents of the bride, of their own free will, are demanding to pay for the wedding in its entirety. This is a fascinatingly restrictive definition of “free will,” but let us grant for a moment that years of social conditioning and pressure have no role to play and it really amounts to free will.

Why then do brides’ parents only and not grooms’ parents feel such a compelling call of free will? There are exceptions to the rule, such as when the groom’s family maybe politically influential, the bride orphaned or with a single non-earning parent. These events are too rare to support the free will theory.

“I Cannot Afford Their Tastes”

Another section will argue that a certain side might be financially better off than the other, and chooses to pay to scale up the wedding. It is incredible to me that it is almost always the bride’s side that is financially sound, and wishes to lavishly marry into a much poorer family. There are many commendably foolish and good-natured things brides’ parents do, but I do not believe this is one such.

In most Indian weddings, the groom’s guests are as numerous, and the gifts received equally shared. If a man really had any moral objection to his wife’s parents’ lavish celebrations, he must not partake in them; and if he has no choice but to partake in full, he must treat it as having no choice but to pay up his share.

“There Are Other Things We Pay For”

Some men argue that the wedding celebrations aren’t entirely paid for the by the bride’s family, that the grooms pay for their own receptions (how generous indeed!), and often host a meal for the bride’s family after the wedding. In most cases, it is obvious that the costs involved are disproportionately smaller; as one of my colleagues pointed out in half-jest, the groom’s parties are single room events with at most 50 guests, of whom not more than 5 are from the bride’s side!

Moreover, this unequal division of costs supports the notion that commodifies women – that it is their parents’ duty to wed them, after which they pass over to the husband’s family, whose new social obligation it is to celebrate this transition.

When It Stops Being Convenient

Coming back to my friend – we had a heated discussion – after which he declared that though it may be unfair, upsetting the order of things is too inconvenient and, hence, he will choose not to. I presented my friend with a few hypothetical scenarios to check where convenience ends. Let us assume, I asked him, his parents-in-law do not find his marital home to their taste and wish to upgrade it, would he let them? He hesitated, but seemed to think that given their daughter was involved, he shouldn’t object.

Congratulating such open-mindedness, I asked him what if they offered to upgrade his car as well? He was less accepting of the idea, but on the principle he couldn’t waver. What if they upgraded his furniture, kitchen, wardrobe, and other things he would soon share with his wife? He said that would amount to interference, and he would have none of it; after all, his wife and he should be equal partners, and they must agree to a common lifestyle suitable to both.

Equality kicks in when it becomes too inconvenient to remain unequal.

I wonder why the concept of equal partners, and a wedding suitable to both was not applicable from the start. Equality kicks in when it becomes too inconvenient to remain unequal. The story is telling – some men have more stretchable notions of conveniences – but in the end, playing along with convenience is both principally unjustified and not without its consequences.

How Dowry Subtly Affects Men

Dowry, doubtless, has horrendous implications for women, but it also affects men more than they are willing to admit. By this, I do not only mean the threat of wrongful dowry complaints, which are not as rampant as made out to be. I am referring also to less serious complaints by some men, on being prodded about their income by prospective in-laws before finalising marriage, and on continual harassment about non-growth of income and assets and unsatisfactory living standards.

If you made it the financial and social responsibility of your wife’s parents to conduct your wedding – no matter how convenient that step was – it may soon become your overburdening financial responsibility to conduct your married life according to their expectations. You cannot enjoy the former and complain about the latter. If you feel your wife’s family closely monitoring your assets and financial growth, know that you have only your old friend – tradition – to thank for it.

Let us put an end to dowry in all its forms

I wasn’t able to convince my friend to pay his share for his wedding, but I let him know of my disappointment and disapproval. The world is not changed in a day; at first, an unfair thing must be uncool to do; then heavily frowned upon; then perhaps it will diminish in practice grudgingly; and finally, it will go away. I exhort all of you to apply high standards of equality to yourself and your partner – no matter what your gender – to keep in mind the world you are responsible for, and to at least socially penalise, unfair practices until lawmakers begin to care.

Pic credit: dskley (Used under a CC license)

Aruna Rajan

Aruna Rajan

I am associated as an advisor and volunteer with Magasool, a not-for-profit initiative to make agriculture viable for small and marginal farmers. I have been a researcher in the payments and the IT sectors over the last six years. Before that, I was a lost and dreamy physics graduate student. While the Ph.D. did nothing to improve my temperament, and everything it could to dull my conviction, it added a much needed and welcome sense of perspective!

Author’s Blog: http://www.magasool.org

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Comments

70 Comments

sane. – September 8, 2014 at 4:29 pm

dowry is a definitely not a healthy practice and should be stopped. however based on the points this author has raised, i would say, this is another feminist article. well let me talk in your own terms which are by far biased. how about the bride pay for the house, car and other infrastructure? the groom is offering to share with her. which would account for more than a crore, going by todays standards/2 = 50 lacs. Do not get me wrong here, i do not support extravagant weddings. However girls today, do not marry unless the groom owns a house and has a car. if the girls are so calculative and expect the groom in owning a house of his own and drive his own car, i don’t see anything wrong in the groom expecting the bride to undertake the wedding preparations of an appropriate scale.

Reply

A Roy – September 8, 2014 at 4:34 pm

I am afraid, Mr. Sane : it works the other way round. If the groom expects the bride’s family to take care of the wedding, as the author points out, the responsibility to buy a car/house falls on the groom. The author does not call that sharing of responsibility fair to either groom or bride, but it tells men (like yourself) to accept that making the bride pay for the wedding is unreasonable and as unreasonable as the husband having to pay for their whole life together. If you wish to be equal, start equal. Split the wedding cos